In this episode Gina has a conversation with Monika Kirkland. Monika is passionate for helping people connect in intimate relationship to God. Gina and Monika cover lots of ground in this episode touching on everything from rejection and healing, to healthy boundaries hearing God’s voice.
Monika is a wife, mom, blogger, speaker and author of Draw Near, a 4-week devotional to draw you closer to the heart of God.
Visit monikakirkland.com to get a free copy of Draw Near and learn more about Monika.
The Miraculous Journey of Healing Gradually
Gina:
There’s so many things we could talk about. We texted yesterday and I’ve been reading your devotional Draw Near, which I love, which we could talk about later. It’s just really sweet to see your vulnerability, your honesty. You really have a gift in setting a table and really giving an invitation for people to have grace for themselves. To be real. To know that Jesus is with them exactly where they are.
Especially for people in your stage of life with young little kiddos, and in this day and age with Instagram and so many things, where it’s so easy to feel like we’re just falling short, that we’re not being great moms. We’re not being great Christians. We’re not being great wives. We’re not being great successful women in the world.
I thought you did just such a sweet, powerful job. There’s authority in it, but there’s never a condescension in it. It’s just very sweet and honest. I would love for you to share your story. Who is Monika? Who are you?
Monika:
Thank you so much for that! That really means a lot. I think that was my hope for the book because every good thing in my life has come out of my intimacy with Jesus, out of drawing near to Him. It is always my hope to encourage other people to walk intimately with Him and to hear His voice and allow His love to transform them from the inside out.
I grew up in a really broken home. A family riddled with alcoholism and addiction and there was sexual abuse. My childhood felt so traumatic, but I feel like it shows and reveals the way that God can truly take you out of just the depths, out of the darkest pit. He can really transform you and renew you and give you hope so that you no longer have to live as a victim.
You don’t have to stay in those old patterns and continue the generational cycles, you really can break free. That is the freedom that I’m passionate about. Other people embracing the freedom that we have.
Gina:
There’s something about the redemption of a legacy of stopping generational patterns and saying “no” to that, and saying “yes” to Jesus, and really watching redemption at work. Redemption is not a pretty or linear path. It’s messy and all over the place, but it’s miraculous and it’s powerful.
When you see God in those places and you see that redemption firsthand, it changes you. It really changes your faith and all the things that you believe. It goes from being the cute little verse that’s on a Hobby Lobby wall, to being personal truth.
Monika:
When you experience that kind of life changing truth, then you’re passionate about other people experiencing it too. It’s out of that overflow of what God’s done for us that we get to tell about it. We get to go and share that good news with people, because it is really good news.
Gina:
Share that. You’re in this home that’s broken and has a lot of brokenness and I’m sure as a little girl, it messes with you and it forms you. You start to make choices to protect yourself and you start to have an identity and wave banners. That’s not the banner that God has over you. It’s these banners that we put up. What did that look like? When did you meet Jesus?
Monika:
For me, not growing up in a Christian home, the way that I protected myself was to retreat inward. I was really in my head a lot. I had these barriers where I would curl up into myself and retreat inside. It felt safe, but looking back, I see how dark it really was.
When I came to the Lord, a friend of mine invited me to a youth group and she told me about all the cute boys that were there. Naturally as 13 year old girl, I was like, “Sign me up.” And it was there that I met the two most important men in my life, Jesus and my husband. God used that simple invitation from a middle school girl to totally wreck my life in the best way.
Some people’s testimonies are like just snap your finger and life changed completely. My journey to healing has really been more gradual and incremental. That’s actually something to hold onto for people that can get so defeated and discouraged. Why are other people experiencing this change? Why am I stuck in these patterns I want to be free from?
Sometimes God takes us on a journey of healing. Sometimes we’re not ready for all of it right at once. He’s in a gradual process. That’s been me these last 16, 17 years of following Him, that He’s just taken me through this healing journey and process. It’s always out of pursuing Him more than I pursue the healing. I pursue Him and out of that healing flows.
Gina:
There’s two things you hit on. Isolation, which is the enemy’s number one tactic. That was even before you came to Jesus. That inward self-protection was really an isolation and that once you’re isolated, then the enemy has that platform to speak all those lies and all those accusations.
But then you can be isolated in a crowd, you can come to Jesus and look at everybody else, “Well, they’re doing great and they’re healed from all of this stuff or they’re not insecure,” Then the enemy starts whispering into your ear, “See, if they really knew what you were thinking this morning. If they knew how pitiful your prayer life is.”
Then, even in the church world, there’s so many different churches. There’s more charismatic and there’s more fundamental. And there’s certain places where we believe in healing, we believe God can do miracles, but He’s also not a genie in a bottle. When we ask “Heal me! Heal me! Heal me!” And when He doesn’t do what you think He should do that, then the enemy turns that into rejection, “Well, you’re not worthy of that healing. He doesn’t love you that much. He loves them that much.”
And it’s just insidious and I’ve seen it in my life. I’ve seen it rip off people that I love. It’s so profound and significant for you to be able to stand here and say, Jesus heals. There is redemption. It is a process. He’s in the middle of the hard. Sometimes we’re not ready. It’s His kindness that takes us as far as we can handle and then goes, “Okay. You’re good for a little bit.”
Monika:
He knows best. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows best. I always want to encourage people, especially with, God does heal both emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But sometimes if your healing hasn’t happened, and maybe it’s something you’ve been praying for healing, and you’re not sure you’re gonna see it this side of heaven…
I always want to encourage people that if you are not healed, but you have Jesus, you have the better thing. Especially people praying for physical healing, it is better to have Him. Because He’s the prize, He’s the reward. His presence is our gift. If we want Him more than we want anything else, then the breakthrough follows after that.
Gina:
Healing is so multidimensional. It’s spiritual, it’s emotional, it’s mental, it’s physical. It’s all of those things. It’s also never just about us. His economy is so different from ours. His way is so different from ours. And the things that we deem as well… If I just had freedom here, if I just was healed of this pain, if I just physically could get past this, then I’d be okay, then I would have victory. But there’s so much more at play.
Re-written Identity: Rejected to Accepted
Gina:
How do we surrender and trust? It really comes down to trust. You’re at the youth group, you meet Jesus, you’re on this journey of healing. There’s some really cool things that you share a lot in stories in Draw Near. You talk a lot about everything from perfectionism to rejection. What are some of the more significant moments of revelation and paradigm shifts that the Lord’s brought you through?
Monika:
One of the biggest moments that was so transformative, was when I was pregnant with our first daughter, Emily. I was signed up for this Bible study and it was one of those mornings where you really are about to cancel. You’re not even sure you’re going to make it. I’m rushing out the door. I’m pregnant, I’m nauseous, but I go anyway, and I get there late, I’m very frazzled. I didn’t expect what God had for me that morning.
It’s a perfect testimony that sometimes when you least expect it, God is moving in your life in a big way. That morning we were talking about our identity and the names that God gives us, how he can change our name. We were praying and asking the Lord to give us a new name. I closed my eyes not expecting to get anything. My heart wasn’t really in the right place. I was not in a place to even receive, but God used that.
And right away, I close my eyes and I see this vision and this memory come forth that I did not remember. And it was this memory of overhearing my dad talking to his girlfriend at the time, about me and about my struggle with my relationship with my mom, about saying that I was like the black sheep of the family. And I just saw myself sitting in the room with him right outside the window saying these things.
God showed me that that day I had partnered with the spirit of rejection. That when you encounter rejection from the people that are supposed to love you the most and accept you the most, it can shatter your spirit. That memory wasn’t something I consciously knew and yet God was so faithful to reveal it to me, to take me on this journey of healing. He spoke to my spirit that day in the vision and said, “I’m changing your name from rejected to accepted.”
And it birthed this new identity for me, as I realized how much that spirit of rejection really was affecting my life, my relationships, my dreams, my everything. It seeps into everything. All that insecurity that bubbled up that came out of that. It was such a profound word from God.
It wasn’t one and done after that day, I never struggled with the spirit of rejection. It’s more like a daily surrender. “God, thank you that You accept me. Thank you that You have written this new name over my life and help me to receive the true acceptance that comes from You, so that I’m not looking outside of You for my worth and my validation.”
Gina:
There’s a couple of things you said that were so significant. One is that you said that you weren’t even ready to hear it. You’re like, “Okay, I’m closing my eyes. I’m pregnant, I’m here, whatever.” I love that, because we put so much weight on having to be in the right mindset or in the place, like “Okay, there’s some magic thing that I have to do to be ready to receive.” Sometimes there’s those moments where we’re distracted or it’s just not time.
Sometimes, as you said earlier, God knows when we’re ready. If we’re in that place where we love Him and we’re pursuing Him, we’re not always gonna get it right. But when He’s ready, He’s going to meet us. Sometimes it’s that act of obedience. It’s a sacrifice of praise. I’m going to let my actions dictate rather than my emotions or my feelings. I’m going to be obedient and posture myself, whether I feel it or not.
You did that and God spoke something incredibly profound that probably at that point changed the trajectory. I love that you said it isn’t necessarily one and done, and I’m not saying that it isn’t sometimes. I love that Jesus heals differently all the time in the Bible. We are creatures of habit and we want a prescription, here are things you do. But Jesus doesn’t heal that way.
There’s processes and some things are instant and some things are the beginning of the journey. What’s powerful when the Lord speaks something profound like that, and you have this revelation of spirit to reject that stronghold, and that power is broken. That stronghold is really uprooted because we talk about taking our thoughts captive.
But the first part of that verse is you have the power and the authority to tear down every stronghold and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. If I start with taking my thoughts captive, and I haven’t dealt with the high things, then I’m going to struggle. But even after you do that, it’s not necessarily that you have this superpower that you’re never going to ever be insecure, never feel rejected. But it means that you’re going to now recognize where it’s coming from.
I had a situation shortly after my mom died. My parents were alcoholics. They weren’t married, grew up in a gnarly home and my mom died of alcoholism. My mom died and when she first died, it felt like the Lord picked me up. I was seeing Him everywhere. He was moving in crazy ways. And He showed up in such profound ways, even through her death and made it so clear, He was in it with her and me and everything else.
But exactly a month after she died, it was like He put me down and then all of this stuff came after me. I just thought I was going to hurt myself, hurt my kids, become an alcoholic. I ended up going and getting some prayer ministry from a sweet couple and the Holy Spirit identified some pretty significant strongholds, a lot of things were broken that night.
I really appreciated that couples’ wisdom and they said, “Okay, these strongholds are gone. You’re free, but it doesn’t mean they’re never going to be tempting you again, never going to be whispering those things again. The difference is now you know their voice, the difference between that voice and Jesus. Now you know your authority and you can take authority over that.”
That’s the key of trusting and believing that Jesus is who He says He is. Those things that He spoke to you are yes and amen. It is finished. When the enemy comes back and he doesn’t have anything new to say, it’s the same old “Did God really say that?” Now you have the authority to recognize that you’re exhausted, that you have had a rough week and you’ve gotten in that place where you’re getting beat up and now you can pull yourself back. Get back into His presence and remind yourself that that isn’t true.
Monika:
You definitely nailed it. I feel like that day was so powerful and such a shift, because the stronghold was broken. Now I can recognize it so that if the thought comes up, like the stronghold is broken, but if the thought comes up, I can take it captive. That’s what the Lord has shown me, that I am powerful, by His Holy Spirit, to take the thoughts captive. They don’t have as much power over me. And recognize that it’s not just me and it’s not the voice of God, It’s the voice of the accuser.
Check out Monika Kirkland
Check the rest of this conversation God Loves Boundaries, Intimacy with God
Check out the Dwell Meditations
