In this episode Gina has a conversation with Stockton Ministries’ very own administrative assistant Niki Rice. Niki shares her journey of learning to hear God’s voice, discovering His power to heal and redeem, and her story of being set free from Anxiety and OCD in a powerful moment at a worship night. They discuss navigating church wounds, forgiveness, and God’s heart for unity in the Church.
Prayer Class is a Stockton Ministries resource that is mentioned in Niki’s journey of learning to hear God’s voice. If you are interested in joining a future prayer class, or are wanting to purchase a workbook, or even book Gina for an appointment click here.
Read the blog below to catch the highlights, or click the play button below to hear the whole episode:
The Anxiety Trap
Niki:
Both anxiety and OCD has been something that’s been a part of my family for generations. There’s a lot of family members of mine who are still on medicine for that. For some of them medicine has been a God sent gift. I started having OCD and anxiety at 10 years old.
For me it looked like constantly counting numbers in my head once I’d be out in public and around people. My brain was trying to cope with things that I couldn’t control. I would walk upstairs and I would count all the stairs. I would have to check locks on the doors three times before I could go to sleep at night.
I didn’t have full control over the way that my brain worked. And it got to the point where I was living in so much torment from my own thoughts, because it was constant. There wasn’t a moment of silence in my head. It got to the point where I had insomnia at night, so I couldn’t sleep.
I had a choice, I could either take all this fear, all this anxiety, all these things that were attacking my mind and lean into the presence of God, lean into relationship with Him, or I could be really angry and isolate myself.
I weaved between the two for a while and God met me in that, and there was a lot of grace to feel what I needed to feel, to feel the anger and frustration of, “I can’t even socialize, I can’t keep my friends without there being all these problems.”
There was so much grace and God met me in my place of disappointment and in my fear and in my pain. As many times as I prayed that He would take it away and He didn’t. He sat with me in it. He was more concerned with healing my heart in the wounds that had caused these fears in that moment than He was to take away the symptom of something that was much deeper.
Gina:
I love that you said that Jesus wants to be with you in it. We, so often, want Him to be the genie in the bottle that’s going to take away this now. Then when He doesn’t, we feel abandoned or hurt, rather than finding His love and His presence in the waiting, or in the answer of not yet, or in the silence, that’s easier said than done.
There’s nothing in that statement I’m making that’s meant as a judgment. It’s hard, but there’s something really powerful and precious.
There’s some things that we miss out on, in our relationship with Him, when we try to hurry past what this is right here and we don’t look for Him in the middle of the struggle, in the middle of the pain, in the middle of the trial, in the middle of whatever it may be.
Niki:
I was 16 when we moved again, this time to Orange County California. That was my junior year of High School. That was when my anxiety, my OCD, and my panic attacks were the worst it had ever been. I got so depressed about the lack of control that I had over my own mind.
Gina:
And then shame comes in, because you feel like something’s wrong with you, that you’re somehow defective. That, even though you know Jesus, you’re not able to do this seemingly simple thing. The enemy leverages that. It’s this constant battle.
Surrendering Anxiety to God
Niki:
I remember this one night when I was about 16 years old, I got on my knees and I prayed and said, “God, if You’re not going to take this from me, I want You to take my life. But if You won’t do that, then I want You to use this to set other people free.”
At that moment in my life, I didn’t have a grid for deliverance or that this was something that God would do. I was praying in desperation.
A couple years later when we moved, I started going to a new church. Gina, you were on staff there at the time with Justin Hoeppner. I remember going in there and the atmosphere of worship and the presence of God was so powerful in that place.
I think it’s because you guys left space to linger and I had never experienced that before. I loved that you guys left space to linger and wait. And that gave me this moment of clarity. My brain was actually clear and quiet in those moments.
I remember I came to church and you were going to teach Prayer Training Class. I was sitting next to my mom “Hey mom, I don’t know why, but we need to go.” We went and then you started talking about the fact that prayer is a conversation. That blew my brain.
At first, I was so offended, I thought, “This is heathen. You’re telling me that I can hear God? The audacity.” When you haven’t heard something before and you’re offended, it’s not always discernment. Sometimes it’s literally a shock to your system of what you’re used to and comfortable with.
But then you gave us homework and you told us, “Your homework tonight is to go home, find a space where there’s no one else, close the door behind you and ask God a question and wait and just listen.”
And so I thought, “Okay, sure… God’s going to speak to me. That’s funny.” Later that night I grabbed my guitar and went out to the garage. I prayed and I said, “God, I actually don’t think that You’re going to speak to me.” I literally said this.
“I actually don’t think You’re going to say anything, but I’m here if You want to say something, and I’m listening.”
When God Enters the Room
I sat with that for a minute. I didn’t hear anything at first. I strummed my guitar a little bit. I sat there to listen. But then, I felt the Lord come into my car.
My awareness of God being close was overwhelming. God was so close, I felt like I could explode out of my skin. That’s how I felt in that moment.
I am a picture person. I always think with pictures, so God chose to speak to me through how I already think and how I naturally process life. I had this picture come to mind so vividly in that moment, of this really dark ocean storm.
It looked so gloomy. There was so much chaos. The waves were crashing everywhere. I was looking at this storm and I saw this hand reaching down for me and all this light, and that was it. It was this moment, and it was real enough to where I could see it in my head, but it was just faint enough to where I had to have faith that it was God.
At that moment I started singing a song that was from God’s heart to me. The words were in my mouth and they were coming out. It was God giving me the words to sing from His heart to mine, it was about my anxiety and fear.
Then at the end of it, I heard this still small voice in my head and it felt like the clearest thought I have ever had. I felt the Lord say, “Would you trust Me and go off of your medicine?”
God is Personal
I do want to clarify that it was a really specific thing He was asking me to do. What I never want to do is make my testimony someone else’s theology. Jesus, in the Bible, always heals differently. When I say that He asked me to go off my medicine, that was something very specific that He was asking of me.
Gina:
I’m glad you’re saying that and I’ll reiterate again, this is your testimony. This is in no way saying that if you’re out there and you’re on antidepressant, anti-anxiety, OCD, or ADD medication that you should go cold turkey tomorrow.
Just like modern medicine, if you’re a diabetic, you take insulin. If you have cancer, you go on chemotherapy.
There’s different types of medicine that you take for different things. Those are provision from God as well. But there was a specific journey that Jesus had you on in this moment. It was very clear that it was from Him.
Thank you for saying that, because it’s very easy for us to want replicate what worked for someone else. Thank you for giving that little caveat.
Niki:
A testimony speaks to what God can do and what He even will do, but likely not how He’s going to do it.
Gina:
Because God’s a very personal God. In the modern Church, especially the Church in America, we gather and then we grow and then we multiply them. Before you know it, you have these big organizations. The challenge with that is we have a very personal God.
And yes, Jesus fed the 5,000, He did the sermon on the mountain. There were times where there were crowds, but even in the midst of the crowds, he always turned around and ended up locking eyes with one.
He healed one at a time. And every one of those was personal. Every one of those was intimate. Every one of those was meeting a need specifically. That’s who God is.
The encouragement that we want everyone to take from Niki’s testimony is that the God who’s so intimately and lovingly met her in the way she needed to be met, wants to meet you in the way you need to be met. And that’s going to look different. It’s going to feel different.
Like Niki shared a minute ago, she’s a visual person and she thinks oftentimes in pictures, that’s how the Lord’s communicating with her. Whereas someone else, it may be something different. That’s not trying to minimize or even blow off “This may not happen for you.” It’s not that.
It’s saying that God loves you so much that He’s going to uniquely speak to you. He’s going to uniquely meet you and it’s going to be sweet and it’s going to be precious, because that’s how He loves.
Breakthrough for Anxiety
Niki:
Yes! So, when that happened, within the hour, I had a friend who was also in the prayer training and she texted me and all she said was, “Hey, I’ve been praying for you and I really feel like God told me that He wants you to do what He’s asking, and to be brave.”
Oftentimes when it’s something big, the Lord will confirm it. And He really did. He confirmed it within the hour, which was really miraculous. I started the next day just taking a smaller dose and I weaned myself off for the next couple weeks.
That Sunday you and Justin led a song, “Shepherd” by Amanda Cook. It was the first time I believe that I ever heard a song from Bethel Music. I had that same picture again, of the ocean storm and the hand reaching down. I felt the presence and the peace of God again.
I remember when I got home, I thought, “What was that song? What was this?” I looked it up who is Bethel Music and found out that they were going on a worship tour and that they were going to be in our city within a couple weeks of that time. Fast forward two weeks, I’m completely off of medicine at this point.
I walk into this little room that has about 500 people stuffed into it. I come in a little late, and I’m already having a panic attack. I’m walking up the row, my body is visibly shaking cause I’m not okay. There’s this one seat that’s left in the front row, all the way on the left side.
I thought, “Alright, I’m just going to walk up there and I’m going to sit right there in the front.” I did, I went up, sat in the front. They led a worship song or two, an acoustic set, and then everybody started lining up in the middle, to ask their question.
Gina:
There was going to be a worship night and then for people who ended up with the VIP, you could go in for a Q&A which was a separate thing besides the conference. First of all, you didn’t realize that you could actually hear from God.
Then you have this moment in your garage, and then there’s this confirmation and you’re hearing something.
There’s a confirmation when you go on Sunday. There’s this journey the Lord’s taking you on. His kindness takes us as far as we can go. You’re really there investigating more than anything.
Niki:
Then the guy in charge of the question and answer mic, he picks up the microphone and moves it when there’s already a line forming, but he moves it all the way over to the side where I’m sitting. I literally stood up and I was in the line.
What’s so cool about that is the song that I sang that night when I was in the garage, one of the lines that I heard from the Lord was, “If you trust Me, you’ll just need to take one step.” I literally stood and I took one step and I was there.
The guy said, “What question are you going to ask over the mic?” And I said, “Honestly, I’m having a panic attack. I’ve had anxiety and OCD pretty much all of my teenage years, for almost seven years now. And then God asked me to go off my medicine and I’m here.” That’s all I said.
And he replied, “Alright Niki, you’re going to come with me.” He brings me up on this little stage that’s in front of everyone. I start freaking out and he says, “Everybody, this is Niki. She’s our sister in the faith, and we are all going to stretch out our hands in faith and pray for her healing right now.”
The worship team came around me and they all laid hands on me. Which was all so very new for me. Jenn prayed over the mic and she said, “I see the Lord reaching down to break through your storm.” She prayed that, and that was the exact picture that I’d been seeing. It was literally God’s hand reaching down to break through my storm.
Right when she said that it felt like 5,000 people that were whispering in a room, which was the state of my brain, and in that moment when she prayed, everything went silent, it was done. All of the extra thoughts that I was thinking that were overwhelming, were finally silenced.
It literally felt like my brain hit a brick wall and it was reset. What was so significant about the fact that it wasn’t a private moment with just me and God, and it also wasn’t a moment with just me and one person. It was this whole room of people praying for me.
But in that moment not only did God heal the anxiety and the OCD, but He also healed my heart. I recognized my need for the church and actually my place in the church. That moment completely healed me.
Gina:
It’s so powerful, because in that moment you couldn’t have articulated that you even needed that healing. That’s another beautiful, crazy, mysterious, miraculous thing about God’s love is that, I have my things that I ask for, but He goes even deeper. He’s like, “Okay, I hear what you’re asking, but I actually want to heal a little bit more than that, so let’s go here.”
Takeaways:
- Clinical anxiety is not a sin. The “anxiety” that is mentioned throughout the Bible, such as ,“Do not be anxious for anything”, can be translated in today’s words as “worry”. Anxiety used to be a word to describe faith-less worrying, but today the word is often used to describe a medical condition or chemical imbalance.
- God wants to speak to you personally.
- God is the healer and He moves and speaks Today, His voice will never contradict Scripture, and His healing is always done in the name of Jesus.
- Niki experienced Anxiety and OCD for seven years. God was in the midst of her story, sitting with her in the pain and orchestrating everything for her good and for redemption. Sometimes healing can take time, sometimes healing can be instant.
- God wants to be with you in the middle of your pain, His will is always to redeem. The way that His redemption plays out in your life will always be unique and often not the same as someone else’s story.
- God loves everyone equally. He will redeem anything and everything that is given to Him in surrender. This can take time, this could also happen suddenly.
- We need each other. Part of Niki’s healing was God healing her idea that she was better off fighting this without anyone else, but her and God. God created us for community. But we need to be careful who we choose to share with, ask God for discernment.
- Prayer is a conversation. Prayer is powerful.
If you need prayer, we would love for you to reach out to us on the connect page. Let us know how we can be praying for you. We believe that God can bring healing and hope to you today.
Niki mentioned Prayer Training, if you are interested in learning more check out our Prayer Training Page.
If you are looking for more ways to connect with God, check out our latest YouTube How to use Dwell Meditations
