In this episode Gina has a conversation with Monty & Christa Kelso about navigating the often complex journey of mental health in the context of marriage and ministry. From our family of origin to the challenges of life’s circumstances, learning what healing looks like is a difficult process that requires trust and surrender in the midst of suffering.
Monty & Christa have learned to ride the waves, prioritize and fight for health and allow Jesus’ redemption to bring hope and healing to others through their lives and ministry.
Monty is the President and CEO of Slingshot Group, an organization that helps churches with staffing, coaching and succession. Christa is the founder of Be Free Indeed, a ministry that provides support and a safe place for those struggling with anxiety and depression.
The Journey to Ministry
Gina:
There are so many things we could talk about. We could do a whole series on ministry and worship. We could talk about leadership, and maybe we’ll go into a lot of those places, but I would love for you guys to share a bit of your story. How long have you been married now?
Christa:
43 years! We met in 1977
Gina:
That’s amazing! You have served in church ministry for a lot of years.
I came from a denomination where mental health was never really addressed, and where psychology was considered pretty evil. And I’m talking about the 80’s, and early 90’s when a lot of pop psychology was very self focused and a little off.
But there was that teaching in the church that “old things have passed away, everything becomes new. Are you praying? Are you in the Word? Then get over it!” There was no space for people to struggle with anxiety, depression, or different things. And there were a lot of secrets because of that. A lot of secrets and a lot of damage that was done.
A lot of people hide in shame because there was no safe place to say, “I’m struggling, I’m dealing with something.” And I know you guys have had your own journey with that. I would love, as much as you are willing to share your story, being someone in leadership, a pastor, and a pastor’s wife in this role of authority, and then also walking through that, what was that like?
Christa:
I’ll give a bullet point overview of my own mental health. I was raised in the Bible Belt, in Indianapolis. I spent my summers there, at my grandparents. I had a lot of deep history with my grandparents, I have a wonderful spiritual legacy through them.
My dad had manic depression, never diagnosed, of course. He was an Entrepreneur, but it was a very emotionally chaotic home. I just relished coming down there and having that peaceful time on the farm. As soon as I could, I got out of the house and went to Taylor University for two years, and then wanted to go on a summer mission. I was a singer and had done a lot of singing in high school through musicals and such. I auditioned for Continental Singers and that’s where I met Monty! We met on tour.
Monty:
We were a tour couple!
Christa:
That was very taboo. We had to be kind of secretive about it. We were sneaky. Our first kiss was right in Nashville at my aunt’s house.
We fell passionately in love. We just knew we were for each other, and we got married the next year. We thought we could settle in Southern Indiana, where Monty grew up, to live by his family, they were a real estate family, so we dove into real estate things, another story for another time.
But we knew within nine months that this was not where we were going to establish our lives and raise a family. We eventually got a call from Continental Ministries that said, “Monty, would you come and be in leadership?” So we moved to California, and he got to finish college there. We toured with Continentals for several years, and then we went to Coast Hills.
While we were touring, we thought we did not want to have kids for a while, and then started trying to have kids. And I had started a ministry called Living Alternatives, and it was in that era where the abortion clinic crisis was really at the forefront of news. And the pro-life movement was right at the forefront of everything.
My sister had actually had a baby as a teenager, so I had a lot of heart for gals who found themselves in that situation. I threw myself into that, and I was very driven. My dad said our whole lives to his kids, “You’ll never amount to anything, and I am very disappointed in you.” It was very much based on his own fear. He was a very fear-based man, and his mother was severely depressed half of the year.
I remember saying inside as a 12 year old, when he would say, “You’ll never amount to anything” I would just think, “Watch me. You just watch me.” I was very driven to be successful. I worked a lot, and we were both very, very busy. In fact, the church that we went to had this byline “A busy church, always serving.” And that’s what we did! We love that church! We loved the people.
We started trying to have kids and couldn’t, and it became a deep, deep, deep wound. We ended up having to take a sabbatical from that ministry. That was after we had started at Coast Hills, and the whole church was praying that I would get pregnant.
That’s a whole other story, but I had my first clinical depression in the middle of that infertility. I also had some real difficult challenges with the leadership of Living Alternatives ministry, so that all converged into a dark, dark place.
Monty:
At that point we thought it was circumstantial. And it probably was more circumstantial at that point.
Christa:
Depression and anxiety have many windows into its roots and manifestations. There’s terrible circumstances. Anyone that’s gone through years of infertility knows that it takes you to a dark place. You don’t have to have that family history of genetic predisposition. Well then God’s sense of humor…three boys in four years!
Monty was on the road with Maranatha. And I just want to thank God for the dear friends. I’m going to speak out their names right now, Ron and Sherry Alden. We co-familied together for 10 years, we had houses on the same street right across from each other. It was a whirlwind of things.
Going from running a ministry and being on the platform every weekend, leading worship with Monty and Gina and all the wonderful worship teams that we had at Coast Hills, and then being at home with these three little guys!
Gina:
So much identity gets formed in those positions you hold, and the affirmation you get, and all the things that God’s using you to do, and then suddenly your home was spit up all over your front. You feel like a failure, and it feels like you’re crumbling under.
Christa:
I remember one day I was in the middle of this closet that was under our staircase, and it was where all their toys were. They were all around me and the toys were everywhere and I just started having tears rolling down my face.
In fact, Steve Arburn interviewed me for one of his radio shows one time, and we were talking about this moment, tears were rolling down my cheeks. And I said, “Oh, Jesus, just give me some faith to hold onto right now.” And that verse came to me from Hebrew that says, “Let us hold unswervingly to the faith that we profess, for He is faithful.” I forget the exact wording of it, but He’s been so faithful.
Navigating Anxiety and Depression
Gina:
You battled through infertility, experienced your first battle with depression during that, then boom, three kids in four years, and Monty’s on the road. By this time you are leading at Coast Hills and there’s a lot going on.
Christa:
God has always been so incredibly faithful. I’d say the first intense depression I had was before Connor was born. So that would’ve been when I was about 30, 31. And I did ask one of my favorite doctors, “Why did this not manifest until I was 30?” And he said, “You can have a genetic predisposition for mental health problems, but until you have a trauma or dark circumstances, that door doesn’t open.” And so that was important for me to understand why. In my current understanding of Scripture, It didn’t allow me the freedom to feel like I wasn’t failing, and it didn’t offer me freedom.
Monty:
We were talking about, in the church that you grew up in, where it wasn’t okay to not be okay.
Christa:
But that wasn’t the church that we ran.
Monty:
No, it wasn’t. But I think in the 90’s, yes. That’s kind of where mental health issues were. They were locked in a closet, or up on a shelf, and people didn’t want to come to terms with it. Our solution was to pray harder, read more scripture and basically pray it away.
Christa:
The answer was to fast and to use supplements.
Monty:
Well, that was the next step. It seemed to be okay to treat it with natural remedies rather than medication, because medication was so suspect.
Christa:
It was, and I didn’t want to. Then fast forward to the year 2000, I’ll never forget the day I was having lunch with two dear sweet friends, and all of a sudden I felt like I was watching the conversation from up here, and I was like, “This is not good.” I got in the car to go pick up the boys from school. All of a sudden I didn’t know where I was, and I was having a panic attack.
Thank God we’d finally gotten a cell phone, and I called Monty and told him I don’t know where I’m at, and I was panicking. He came and got me in, and that’s when I started medication and it helped. Then about four or five months later, it wasn’t helping as much. And I wasn’t as stable, so they added a second one.
Then as the years went on, the medication aspect of it progressed. Then we got to a point where we left Coast Hills in 2004. In the two years after that, I had been on probably 20 different combinations and cocktails of medications.
Monty:
It was a moving target. And at that point we wanted to do whatever it takes. But I think the doctors got prescription happy too.
Gina:
Did you have an official diagnosis at this point? Or were they kind of shooting in the wind?
Christa:
I don’t use labels anymore. Even my current doctor that I have, who I absolutely adore, he won’t use labels. The reason is because different people have different definitions even within the medical community. Back in the day, it was you’re depressed or there’s a manic depression there wasn’t bipolar one bipolar two. There’s so many labels now. It’s gotten so out of hand, Gina. I’ve gone through three decades of this journey.
Monty:
It’s always a fight to maintain health, but even more so to overcome mental health issues, and you have fought well. One of the things I admire about how you’ve dealt with it, is you have dealt with it holistically, that it’s mind, body, soul, and spirit. Fortunately, you’re a disciplined person who maintains all those areas. Can you imagine what life would be if you weren’t tending to those areas?
Christa:
I wouldn’t be here.
Gina:
Monty, you’re in this life, you have this position, you’ve got three kids, you’re traveling with Maranatha Music. Then your wife is battling, so what is that doing to you? How are you guys coping? How do you, as a husband, try to figure out how to be there, how to protect? Then you realize you really can’t protect, you know what I mean? What is that doing to you?
Monty:
In most circumstances I can figure out a way through it. I can lead through it. I can compensate. I can buck up and just get through it. But this has been a challenge, because I can’t control it, I can affect it. I think I understand that, my presence, my unconditional love, my optimism, and the hope for that can make a difference.
I think God knew way before we met and married, what she was going to be battling and who she needed to walk this journey with her. I think God has wired me in a way, that as sucky as circumstances can be, I always see the silver lining. God’s just given me that innate ability to see the silver lining.
That has given us the ability to keep going and stay together. I don’t know what the divorce rate is for marriages that struggle with mental illness, but it’s pretty high statistic that the marriages don’t last, and after 43 years we’re in it for the long haul. It will continue to be something that we battle together.
We pay attention to it, we don’t ignore it, and we talk about it. We continually depend on the Lord’s grace and provision when she goes down, because that still happens. It’s deep. Thankfully we do live in community, we don’t live in isolation and that’s a big deal. As much as Krista will isolate when she goes down, she doesn’t hold me to that isolation.
I still have the liberty to engage and be in community and it’s not a secret. We do talk about it and I think there’s a lot of relief that comes from that, and sometimes a lot of healing that can come from that.
Monty is the President and CEO of Slingshot Group
Christa is the founder of Be Free Indeed
Check the rest of this conversation Vulnerable Leadership, Finding Light in the Darkness
Check out the Dwell Meditations
